Dear Prudence…What is Temperance Anyway? 

Temperance is often discussed with abstinence from alcohol in mind. More broadly, it can refer to moderation in action, thought, or feeling and requires control and/or restraint.  The VIA Institute on Character includes the strengths of forgiveness, humility, prudence, and self-regulation in this virtue.

Forgiveness

How often do you hold grudges? Why do you seek revenge? When do you give someone a taste of their own medicine?

Forgiveness, one of the VIA Institute of Character’s character strengths within the virtue of ‘temperance,’ means “to extend understanding towards those who have wronged or hurt us. It means to let go.” For me personally, letting go of the frustration, resentment, and other feelings associated with a wrongdoing, is my invitation to peace. I shy away from conflict and accept the imperfections of others by giving them the benefit of the doubt and often, a second (or third) chance. After all, we are only human. From VIA’s website, “forgiveness is a process of humanizing those who have led us to feel dehumanized.” This does not mean that I condone or forget the offense. And I most certainly do not feel the need to restore the relationship, I simply do not let what has happened negatively affect my attitude or behavior moving forward.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is far from easy. It takes a huge amount of humility.

Humility – wow, that ‘s a tough one to define. It’s easier to describe what humility is not than what it is! According to VIA, humility is NOT:

• bragging,
• doing things in excess,
• seeking the spotlight,
• drawing attention to yourself,
• viewing yourself as more special or important than others,
• bowing to every wish or demand of another person, or
• being highly self-critical.

They add, “humility means accurately evaluating your accomplishments.”

It’s important to note that like all character strengths, there are two ends to the continuum. A highly self-critical person can be self-deprecating, putting themselves down at all costs. This moves beyond the positive explanation of humility and actually puts the individual at risk, at least emotionally. I consider myself a humble person, think well of myself most of the time, and have a good sense of who I am. However, I am also well aware of my mistakes, where my gaps in knowledge lie, and when my best efforts fall short. Perhaps even more essential to my personality, my humility allows me to feel content without being the center of attention. In fact, I am somewhat uncomfortable being in the spotlight. I humbly recognize my limitations, keep my accomplishments in perspective, and often, because I am so inspired by others, pay attention to others before/above myself.

Likewise, forgiveness requires much self-regulation.

Self-Regulation has to do with controlling one’s appetites and emotions and regulating one’s behaviors, especially when challenged. According to VIA,

“Those high in self-regulation have a good level of confidence in their belief that they can be effective in what they pursue and are likely to achieve their goals. They are admired for their ability to control their reactions to disappointment and insecurities.”

Personally, self-regulation helps keep me balanced, organized, and in charge of my own life. This self-control is what allows me to forgive. Forgive myself, loved ones, and strangers alike, for I know that in order for me to genuinely feel content and at peace, I have to let things slide. Honestly, I struggle more to show myself self-compassion than I do to show others compassion.

Enter prudence…

Prudence

According to VIA, prudence means “being careful about your choices, stopping and thinking before acting. It is a strength of restraint. When you are prudent, you are not taking unnecessary risks, and not saying or doing things that you might later regret.”

During my studies to become a teacher and later a parent, I thought hard about what role my actions would play with the children in front of me. I reflected on my own upbringing and on that of other youth I knew. I am deftly aware of the lifelong damage our behaviors can have on the developing brain. AND, I am likewise keenly aware of the tremendously positive influence other behaviors can have in providing for and modeling a safe, secure, atmosphere where youth can and will flourish.

I have not always had this keen sense of self-regulation and prudence, however. As a youth, like so many others, and still as a younger adult, I spoke my mind with little attention to its potential detriment to others. Some particularly astute friends and family members called this to my attention in ways that sometimes made me feel rather vulnerable. I hated this vulnerability, as I also had ‘friends’ who would rub it in my face. I quickly learned to bite my tongue and retreat back into myself in a way that also proved to be problematic. With time, I have found a balance that works for me most of the time. I will, once in a while, say or do something that I wish I hadn’t. Likewise, sometimes I shy on the side of being overly prudent and not speaking my mind when I should self-advocate. However, I have grown infinitely more aware of these incidences and have likewise prioritized surrounding myself with healthy relationships that help me grow.

Join me in discovering how you can build your temperance!

What elements do you struggle with?

Who is in your network that can help build you up?

When do you feel safe to experiment with forgiveness? Humility? Self-regulation? Prudence?