Forgiveness: Act or Attitude?
Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.-Martin Luther King, Jr.
The concept of forgiveness has always been important to me. It is in fact, one of my signature strengths on the Values In Action (VIA) Character Strengths Survey. I used to ask myself why it’s so essential. Today, I know and am excited to share this understanding with you!
Picture yourself on a day when you were really riled up about something. What emotions were you feeling? What were some of the bodily sensations you experienced? What thoughts went through your mind? How did you (re)act? Now focus your attention on other details like where you were, who you were with, and how the situation played out. Did you feel in control? Were you able to settle yourself back down afterward? How did it affect the rest of your day?
Chances are the emotions you felt were some combination of anxiety, fear, anger, and frustration. Maybe your stomach felt like it was doing somersaults, you felt pounding in your chest, soreness in your neck and shoulders, a lump in your throat, or a headache. Your thoughts may have been racing, trying to figure out how best to get out of the situation fast, or perhaps you felt frozen in place. None of these physiological reactions are things I find appealing. In fact, I work hard to NOT experience them.
If the circumstances affected others, it exacerbates the situation for me all the more. You see, it’s one thing if I’m not doing well, but if I do something to negatively affect someone else, I feel even worse about it. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s misery! There’s a lot in this scenario to unpack.
Let’s begin with yourself. You’re not feeling well. You’re tied up in knots emotionally. What do you do? Well, I for one, try to calm myself. I know that I am in no position to speak coherently with someone if I am not at my best. I take a few breaths and work at clearing my mind. If I can’t, I try to visualize something peaceful- a favorite place, sound, or memory. In the moment, I don’t worry about the details of the event but rather focus on regulating myself. Now comes the hard part. If I’ve made a mistake that caused the situation, I must give myself grace. Yes, you read that correctly. Even in the face of an error, I can’t be overly self-critical. You see, if I’m not in a position to move forward personally, then I certainly am not in a position to move forward with someone else. Finding this self-compassion is hard. We are after all only human. We DO make mistakes. We must learn to forgive ourselves for our imperfections.
If we need to make amends with someone else, we look deeply into ourselves. We must commit to honesty, vulnerability, and humility. Acceptance of our humanity is paramount. It’s in these moments that I solicit my hope that things will work out, my trust in the good in others. If I am open about my wrongdoing, they will be more likely to accept my apology. I seek their forgiveness because I do not want to have any hard feelings.
Similarly, if somebody else has committed a wrongdoing to you and are coming to seek your forgiveness, please accept this same sense of integrity on the other’s part. Holding grudges and feeling vengeful are not helpful. Moreover, internalizing resentment and anger can be harmful to our health. Forgiveness offers us a cleansing from hurt, a commitment to balance, a sense of freedom, and permission to move forward again. I don’t want these painful feelings to define or control me. If I can find it within me to choose a more open, hopeful perspective, one that encourages me to move beyond my present state and into a more productive future where I can reflect and learn from the current situation, I will be best off. If I’m able to do this, I know that my judgment moving forward will be sounder because I have this experience to reflect on. I won’t want to take the same missteps.
Ultimately, forgiveness provides us with an essential lesson in objectivity and transparency. It is a mindset more than an occurrence. That is, we become forgiving people once we learn to practice it regularly. Like any other behavior, it requires repetition to habituate. If we can rise above our human weaknesses and interact with others in accordance with our best selves, we are modeling for the world the authenticity that might just turn around our current trajectory. Relationships are truthfully what make us human. We need one another. First, we need to be there for ourselves. Once we are successful at establishing a loving, accepting relationship with ourselves, it will be much easier to connect with others. Help me in spreading the word, forgiveness!
Who will you connect with today?
Do you have someone to forgive? How will you let them know?